Raising
a Nonviolent Child
Six core strengths every child needs to be humane and to protect herself
from violence.
By Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D.; introduction by Lisa Feder-Feitel
School shootings and the graphic violence we all see in the media change
the way adults and children view the world -- from bright and full of
promise to a dark and potentially dangerous place. Even at the tender
age of two, a child may experience a bully's threat or imitate his favorite
cartoon character and tackle a friend in the playground. Exposure to violence
can change the way children feel, act, and behave. Yet some children are
more resistant than others and a rare few are immune.
Children are born with a remarkable range of potential. They are not born
violent, nor are they naturally immune to the effects of violence. Only
through personal experience can a child become able to resist aggressive
behavior. During these early years, you can increase your child's ability
to be responsible, caring, and creative.
A Vaccine Against Violence
Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D, a leading expert in brain development and
children in crisis, has identified six core strengths that children need
to be humane. A child with these strengths will be more resourceful, successful
in social situations, and resilient, and even able to recover more quickly
when exposed to violence. Without them, a child will be in greater danger
of becoming violent and also less able to cope with verbal or physical
abuse.
The Six Core Strengths
Violence infects our children. It is virulent in some and barely noticeable
in others. Why do some children re-enact the violence they see on television
while others do not? Why do some chronically teased children cope by developing
a sense of humor, while others become self-loathing and still others plot
to shoot their taunting peers? Most important, why do some children who
make these murderous plans actually act on them?
It's almost impossible to answer these questions. We rarely know what
makes a given child violent. But we do know that children who develop
six core strengths rarely become violent. These strengths build upon each
other to contribute to a child's emotional development. Together, they
provide a strong foundation for future health, happiness, and productivity.
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These core strengths provide a child with the framework for a life rich
in family, friends, and personal growth. Our world changes daily and becomes
increasingly diverse -- and how much more complex that world will be when
our children become parents! Teaching children these core strengths gives
them a gift they will use throughout their lifetimes. They will learn
to live and prosper together with people of all kinds -- each bringing
different strengths to create a greater whole.
1. Attachment: Being a Friend
Attachment is the capacity to form and maintain healthy emotional bonds
with others. It is first acquired in infancy, as a child interacts with
loving, responsive, and attentive parents and caregivers.
Why it's important: This core strength is the cornerstone
of all the others. A baby's interactions with his parents create his first
relationships. Healthy attachments allow him to love, to become a good
friend, and to have a positive and useful model for future relationships.
As he grows, other consistent and nurturing adults such as teachers, family
friends, and relatives will shape his ability to develop attachments.
The attached child will be a better friend, student, and classmate --
which promotes all forms of learning.
When to worry: A child who has difficulty with this strength
has a hard time making friends and trusting adults. He may show little
empathy for others and act in what seems to be a remorseless way. Children
unable to attach often lack the emotional anchors needed to buffer the
violence they see. They may isolate themselves, act out, reject a peer's
friendly overtures, or withdraw socially. With few friends, and apparently
disconnected from their peers, they are also at greater risk when exposed
to violence.
2. Self-Regulation: Thinking Before You Act
Developing and maintaining the ability to recognize and control urges
-- such as hunger and sleep -- as well as feelings of frustration, anger,
and fear -- is a lifelong process. Its roots begin with the external regulation
provided by parents or significant caregivers, and its healthy growth
depends on a child's experience and brain development.
Why it's important: Pausing a moment between an impulse
and an action is a life tool that helps your child physiologically and
emotionally. But it's a strength that must be developed -- she is not
born with it. Our expectations must be age-appropriate. For instance,
it's unreasonable to expect a 2-year-old to have complete bladder and
bowel control before her body has matured.
When to worry: When a child does not develop the capacity
to self-regulate, she will have problems sustaining friendships, learning,
and controlling her behavior. She may blurt out a thoughtless and cruel
remark and express hurt or anger with a shove or by knocking down another
child's work. Just seeing a violent act may set her off or deeply upset
her. Children who struggle with self-regulation are more reactive, immature,
impressionable, and more easily overwhelmed by threats and violence.
3. Affiliation: Joining In
The capacity to be part of a group springs from our ability to form attachments.
Affiliation is the glue for healthy human functioning: It allows us to
form and maintain relationships with others -- and to create something
stronger and more adaptive than we might be able to as individuals.
Why it's important: Human beings are social creatures.
We are biologically designed to live, play, grow, and work in groups.
Your family is your child's first and most important group, glued together
by the strong emotional bonds of attachment. Most other groups that children
join -- such as a preschool class or neighborhood playmates-- are based
on circumstance or common interests. It's in these groups that children
have thousands of brief emotional, social, and cognitive experiences that
can help shape their development. And it is in these situations that children
make stronger connections with peers -- their first friendships.
When to worry: A child who is afraid or otherwise unable
to affiliate may suffer a self-fulfilling prophecy: She is more likely
to be excluded, and she may feel socially isolated. Healthy development
of the core strengths of attachment and self-regulation make affiliation
much easier. But a distant, disengaged, or impulsive child won't be easily
welcomed into a group. And in fact, she may act in ways that lead others
to tease or actively avoid her.
The excluded child can take this pain and turn it on herself, becoming
sad or self-loathing. Or she can direct it outward, becoming aggressive
and even violent. Without intervention, she will be more likely to seek
out other marginalized kids later in life, and affiliate with them. Unfortunately,
the glue that holds these groups together can be beliefs and values that
are self-destructive or hateful to those who have excluded them.
4. Awareness: Thinking of Others
Awareness is the ability to recognize the needs, interests, skills, and
values of others. Infants begin life self-absorbed and slowly develop
the ability to see beyond themselves and to sense and categorize the other
people in their world. At first this process is simplistic: "I am
a boy and she is a girl. Her skin is brown and mine is white." As
children grow, their awareness of differences and similarities becomes
more complex.
Why it's important: The ability to read and respond to
the needs of others is an essential element of human communication. An
aware child learns about the needs and complexities of others by watching,
listening, and forming relationships with a variety of children. He becomes
part of a group (which the core strength of affiliation allows him to
do), and sees ways in which we are all alike and different. With experience,
he can learn to reject labels used to categorize people (such as skin
color). He will also be much less likely to exclude others from a group,
to tease, and to act in a violent or aggressive way.
When to worry: A child who lacks the ability to be aware
of others' needs and values is at risk of developing prejudicial attitudes.
Having formed ideas about others without knowing them, he may continue
to make categorical, destructive, and stereotypical judgments: "She
speaks English with an accent, so she must be stupid." This immature
kind of thinking feeds the hateful beliefs underlying many forms of verbal
and physical violence.
5. Tolerance: Accepting Differences
Tolerance is the capacity to understand and accept how others are different
from you. This core strength builds upon another -- awareness: Once aware,
what do you do with the differences you observe?
Why it's important: It's natural and human to be afraid
of what's new and different. To become tolerant, a child must first face
the fear of differences. This can be a challenge because children tend
to affiliate based on similarities -- in age, interests, gender, or cultures.
But they also learn to reach out and be more sensitive to others by watching
how the adults in their lives relate to one another. With positive modeling,
you can insure and build on your child's tolerance. The tolerant child
is more flexible and adaptive in many ways. Most important, when she learns
to accept differences in others, she becomes able to value what makes
each of us special and unique.
When to worry: An intolerant child is likelier to lash
out at others, tease, bully, and if capable, act out his intolerance in
violent ways. Children who struggle with this strength help create an
atmosphere of exclusion and intimidation for those people and groups they
fear. This atmosphere promotes and facilitates violence.
6. Respect: Respecting Yourself and Others
Appreciating your own self-worth and the value of others grows from the
foundation of the preceding five strengths. An aware, tolerant child with
good affiliation, attachment, and self-regulation strengths gains respect
naturally. The development of respect is a lifelong process, yet its roots
are in early childhood, as children learn these core strengths and integrate
them into their behaviors and their world view.
Why it's important: Children will belong to many groups,
meet many kinds of people, and will need to be able to listen, negotiate,
compromise, and cooperate. Developing respect enables your child to accept
others and to see the value in diversity. He can see that every group
needs many styles and many strengths to succeed. He will value each person
in the group for his talents. When children respect -- and even celebrate
-- diversity, they find the world to be a more interesting, complex, and
safe place. Just as understanding replaces ignorance, respect replaces
fear.
When to worry: A child who can't respect others is incapable
of self-respect. He will be quick to find fault with others, but can also
be his own worst critic. Too often, the trait a child ridicules in others
reflects something similar he hates in himself. The core of all violence
is a lack of respect, for oneself and for others: Without it, children
are more likely to become violent.
From Parent & Child Magazine
http://family.msn.com/tool/article.aspx?dept=raising&sdept=rks&name=sc_091603_nonviolent>1=4998